Sparkling Surprises after things Fall Apart

sparkling2Granddaughter #3 is visiting this month.  I am so thankful for it because there was a time when I did not know if I would ever see several of my grandchildren again.

This has been exciting, life giving and at times it is wearing me out because she is 8 years old and a bundle of energy!

She’s a chatterbox with people she knows and trusts.  If she does not know you very well, she will shrink behind me or Mr. Joe and try to become invisible.

I am so thankful that she is with us this month.  I think it is helping me push myself into getting better.

The introvert in me is getting a workout for sure.  I have to be on my toes listening and interacting at any given time.

I have to be ready to move as far as walking, cooking, doing laundry, keeping things in our small space picked up, etc.   Although Mr. Joe has scheduled some time off from his volunteer work this month, it is for special outings that we have planned, not to do the extra chores around the house.

I even started driving for the first time last week.   It was the first time in 2 months that I had driven a car on my own and I had almost developed somewhat of a phobia about it because even though the sickness is much better,  weakness has settled in my feet and ankles.  I succeeded though in driving and am walking with a cane, now, and went up and down 2 flights of stairs twice yesterday very slowly.

When I initially got sick, went into the hospital and realized that I was more seriously sick than a simple cold or flu, I got concerned about Granddaughter #3  coming to visit because the plans were already in the works.  I wasn’t sure if I would be well enough but as proof of God’s faithfulness, He got me to a place of being just well enough for her to come and He is using this time to speed up my recovery.

For a time, even after being released from the hospital, I felt like things were falling apart and that I would never be normal again.  I would try to seek God’s face and I just could not seem to connect with Him.  I felt like He had abandoned me by removing His presence from my life.  I would wonder what I had done wrong to cause the abandonment.  All I could do was hold onto His extreme faithfulness to me in the past.

People prayed.  I tried to seek Him and talk to Him.  I did not “feel” His presence but Isparkling3 knew somehow He was there and that His word is true and that He would be faithful to me as He had in the past.  I also knew that the outcome might not be the one that I wanted but the one that was in His perfect plan for me.

So, what happens when things fall apart?

What happens when we stand tremblingly face to face with the faceless, dark shroud of death?

What happens when we don’t know how we will ever be able to accomplish the things that we want to accomplish because things have fallen apart?

What about when all of these things happen and we don’t feel the presence of God or we cannot discern His voice?

I have been wondering these things because it seems that although I have walked with God and have spent time with Him, have heard his still, small voice and experienced His faithfulness, it seems that when I am in the lowest depths of spiritual attack that I cannot hear His voice at all.  This is when I have to utilize the faith that He has built in me during the easy times.  I have to hold onto faith blindly and rely upon the truth that He has ALWAYS been faithful to me!

sparkling4He spoke to me in the devotion “Jesus Calling” (by Sarah Young) yesterday:

“Keep walking with me along the path I have chosen for you.  Your desire to live close to Me is a delight to my heart.  I could instantly grant you the spiritual riches you desire, but that is not My way for you.  Together we will forge a pathway up the high mountain.  The journey is arduous at times, and you are weak.  Someday you will dance light-footed on the high peaks; but for now your walk is often plodding and heavy.  All I require of you is to take the next step, clinging to My hand for strength and direction.  Though the path is difficult and scenery dull at the moment, there are sparkling surprises just around bend.  Stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is truly the path of Life.

Comfirmation to me about this blog as well as the direction my life is going in.  Once we give our life to Him we don’t have to worry any more.

So…He has been and will be with me while climbing this mountain no matter how hard it seems and He has been and will continue to be with you while you climb your mountain.

I don’t know about you, but I am looking forward to those “sparkling surprises”.  I’m also looking forward to dancing light-footed on the high peaks.

Love and blessings to you,

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Going in a different direction…while still “Climbing the Mountains”

7914bTwo years ago, I started this blog and I have never regretted it.  Sometime in the past month, the blog achieved its 10,000th hit and counting.  I am not saying that this is epic or anything, but it is a mile stone for me being that when I started it, I did not expect anything like this!

It was very scary for me to start blogging but I have to say that it brought on a lot of needed healing to my heart and soul that was needed.

I aired almost all of my dirty laundry under a pseudonym (or pen name) and what is funny, is that most of those whom I had been hurt by ended up finding and reading the blog anyway.

My life has changed and the blog is not the only reason why, but it played a big part in the healing process for me.  It became my public journal, the place where I removed all of those bandaids that had been covering up the festering, infected wounds that had haunted me for so long.  It was the place where one could read and actually see the truth about who I was.

Things have changed over the last few months and although I want to7914a continue an “online journal”, I no longer feel that I have to air helpful hints in order to try to “save” or “rescue” people.  The information that we need and the way out of any mess is already out there in many different ways and if anyone has found my information it is because they happened to Google something that pulled up links to this blog.

I am still on a journey, but the hurt and the pain has been removed from my life and my heart.  Yes, on occasion there are still problems and I am not nor will I ever achieve perfection but that gaping hole has been filled with something that God has put there and it is called healing, healing from my past, healing for my future, healing …

I don’t know if there are a lot of people out there who would be interested in my life, but I am going to change the direction of this blog to a direction that just includes what is going on in my life.  Good things, bad things, things in between…

I have been very ill for about 2 months now, and am slowly recovering.  It has been a long, hard road and honestly I still don’t really understand why the illness happened to me in the first place.  There was and will still be a lot of questions that I have and problems that I confront because of this illness.  The illness is called SIADH.  One of the things that I am dealing with in regards to SIADH is chronic pain.

As I have mentioned before, I am an empty nester, have multiple adult children and grandchildren in varying degrees of ages.

My husband, Mr. Joe, and I have a love for traveling abroad and sharing7914 our personal experiences with God with those who want to know Him more.  There are certain countries that we have visited that have captured our hearts and that are just waiting for us to visit again.  I can’t let an illness get me down to the point where I stop doing what I love.  Right now, we live and work on  the campus of a large Mission Agency in Colorado Springs, CO.

It was so hard to uproot and move here 8 months ago but I am still sooo glad that we did!  I love living here in this mild climate as opposed to the harsh Texas heat and humidity.

The plan, although I was ill, is to continue to teach preschool for a little while longer when our preschool opens back up in September.

I mention all of this because there is a plethora of information and thoughts in my heart and soul that sometimes are “just rearing to get out”.  These are the things that I will be sharing about from now on.

Interested?  Are there enough empty nesters out there to keep me in “business”?  Not sure, but there should be.

I am allowing God to take this blog to where ever He wants to take it from now on!  Can’t wait to see where we go with this because it will be an adventure.

Love and blessings to you!

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Posted in Adventures, Aging, Climbing the Mountains, Growing Older, Life, Love, Missions, Missions Training | Tagged , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Climbing the Mountain of Enabling (part 2)

enabling6

Two weeks ago, when I began this series about enabling, I did not realize that it would be so hard! It has taken me a while to complete this post.  If you are reading this, you may have found this blog through a search engine.  Here is the link to the first part of this series:  Climbing the Mountain of Enabling (a mountain that will never be scaled)

Everyone has a different story and even though some of have similar stories, our lives end up going down different paths and in different directions, even then.

I feel like I must share some of my story:

I began enabling at a very early age…it’s pretty obvious, having spent my growing up years in a home where I was either a victim or ignored at any given time. It was prime and fertile ground for the roots of the destiny that God HAD NOT planned for me, to take a stronghold.

I never thought that I was good enough, I always had body image issues and because of this I unconsciously set out in life, setting my primary goal as to try to prove to everyone who I came into relationship with that I was good enough. How can one prove to anyone that they are good enough if they don’t believe it themselves? It can’t be done but I did not know this for many, many years!

One of the biggest parts of the disaster occurred for me when I came into relationship with someone in my early twenties who told me that he loved everything about me except that I needed to lose weight. I promised that I would lose weight, we got married and the tone was set for the marriage. Although he was sometimes violent, had all of the earmarks of an alcoholic and never did much of anything in the way of care for our home or children, he was a fair financial provider and I quickly became the one who never quite measured up because I just could not get my weight down and keep it down in an acceptable way to please him. Many Saturday mornings were spent at the kitchen table drinking coffee with him and me serving him hand and foot while I was getting lectured about my weight and how disappointed he was in me. If I argued it became a disaster.

Enough said, but this set the wheels for enabling much more strongly into motion for me.

No matter how much I overachieved in my marriage, no matter how much I did, it was never good enough, I was never good enough because I was less of a person because I could not keep that promise that I had made before we ever got married. Folks, it is absolute hell to live under this kind of guilt. Bottom line as I see it now is that I should have told this guy to take a hike if he did not accept everything about me unconditionally.

Even with these major obstacles, the marriage lasted for about 15 years. I became engrossed in my children’s lives, especially the three youngest. In my way of thinking, if I could not be an acceptable wife, I would be a better than acceptable mother! I spent my time pouring into them, making sure that they had all of the right clothes, my presence at school, good meals, homemade cookies and treats, etc. etc. etc.

I decided that because of the investment that I was making in my kids that they would always love me unconditionally. If I was a good mom, my children would never leave me, right?

Ultimately, my fear was that if I did not measure up that I would be abandoned by all! And because of this, I became so afraid of dying alone! Fear of abandonment was my motivating factor in almost everything! That and I loved my children desperately.

I just want to note that I am opening up the door and letting you into what enabling5was my messed up, screwed up way of thinking. They call it “stinking thinking” in AA and Alanon circles. It is not uncommon, but I had the impression that it was unique, only to me and I was not about to let anyone know what I was thinking!

At this point, I had not faced the fact that there was anything wrong with what I was doing. When I got very depressed, when things went awry with the children although part of me went off of the deep end by trying to fix what was wrong, I still did not take any responsibility for my own part in all of it. I blamed outside sources. I blamed my alcoholic/workaholic husband who, eventually, became my ex-husband. When he remarried, I blamed his new “perfect” wife who was also an enabler. I blamed other people for not backing me up.

When teachers talked to me about problems that my children had in school (especially with my youngest child, a son) I immediately jumped to conclusions and blamed the teacher for either not understanding him, for singling him out, picking on him or not liking him.   Of course, the blaming took place in my heart and I would pretend that I understood and agreed with the teacher.

When my children came to me because of a problem with another child or parent of that child, I was on the parent’s doorstep challenging that parent. In many ways I was a mama bear, for all of the wrong causes! The older I got, the older the children got, it became a personal affront to me if someone challenged me about my children’s behavior. One time, my grandmother who is still one of the most respected women in my life told me that I could not be both father and mother to my youngest son and that I needed to stop. Even in her ignorance over many other things and with only a high school education, her wisdom was showing through. Although I loved her, and listened to her I was very offended by what I labeled as her meddlesomeness, but now, hindsight is 20/20. She was right on target! As much as I was trying to cover up and fix, even in her eyes it was not working.

enabling4When one is an enabler, as life goes on and nothing is done or recognized about the problem, it becomes bigger. It escalates and becomes a downward spiral much like addiction.

In closing, my biggest goal in this post today is to let you know that enabling is not something that just happens, it begins in both parties (the enabled and the enabler) sometime early in the relationship and early in the lives of each individual. Those of us who enable are not bad people. We are not failures. Neither are the enabled. I shared the roots of my enabling and I know that yours are probably totally different. Enabling is a common problem with the characteristics being the same, although the circumstances and causes are always unique to each person.

Just to note:

Don’t say that you don’t want to be “like” me, ever. By saying that, you are judging me and for some reason, those statements have an eerie way of coming around to haunt us by happening to us! My prayer is that you see the signs and change them before it happens to you!

Love and blessings to you!

Godspeed,

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Climbing the Mountain of Enabling (a mountain that will never be scaled)

enabling2

When not in check,

I will:

                Pick up your shoes

                                Carry your pack

                                                Lie to your boss

                                                                Do your homework

                                                                                Remove rocks from your path

And strip you of the joy of saying…

                “I did it myself!”

(excerpt from “The Enabler” written by Angelyn Miller, MA)

 

When I first started this blog, one of my chief reasons was that I had searched high and low on a variety of subjects that I was working on in my personal life.  I had been disappointed to find that in Christian circles there was very little practical help for people who had certain problems.

The subjects that I am referring to were hard things such as “how an adult woman should deal with alcoholism or drug addiction within her family in a Godly manner”?  “How does one who is/was a victim of domestic violence and child abuse recover from the horrors and learn to live a healthy, peaceful Christian life?”  “How does one deal with depression?” “ What is depression and what are the roots of it?”  “And what about the big no, no that no one would talk about but that had infiltrated a large percentage of Christian realms…addiction to Pornography?”  “What about divorce, recovery from divorce, blended families?” (not the fairy tale versions of how it “should” be, but the realities of blending a family with the reality of still having crazy ex-spouses to deal with.)

Life is hard and, honestly, the “American” version of church is failing!  Not just a little, but Big Time!  Some of you may not like what I am saying, but it is the truth.

True, there are some mega churches who are starting to effectively tackle some of the above issues, but honestly when you look at them, who is in leadership?  Mostly, those who are in leadership are the so-called “perfect ones” who although we all have flaws in our lives, have been able to hide theirs enough in order climb the power ladders.  We “peons” who have lived imperfect lives and made mistakes that cannot be so easily covered up make up more than 50% of every church in America but we take our marching orders from the “perfect” leaders.

Back to my original goal for this blog…  It was to share experience, strength and hope on a number of tough subjects that in my research, and in my opinion the Church had let me down with when I was looking for Godly advice.  I thank God, that He made me an intelligent woman with an understanding that not all advice given in the name of “God” is of God and that I can take “secular” advice and apply it to my life in a Godly manner.

Something that I have found is that most of the “secular” advice, when dissected, can be applied to a Godly lifestyle, although there is some that cannot be.

The next subject that I am going to be talking about on this blog and I will be talking about it for the next few posts is enabling.

Do you know what enabling is?  Well, enabling in the psychological sense is defined in 2 different ways; one as a positive aspect of psychological recovery and, two in a negative sense when played out as a role of behavior in a “codependent” relationship.

Here is a definition of enabling that I agree with, found in Wikipedia:

In a negative sense, enabling is…used to describe dysfunctional behavior approaches that are intended to help resolve a specific problem but in fact may perpetuate or exacerbate the problem. A common theme of enabling in this…sense is that third parties take responsibility, blame, or make accommodations for a person’s harmful conduct (often with the best of intentions, or from fear or insecurity which inhibits action). The practical effect is that the person himself or herself does not have to do so, and is shielded from awareness of the harm it may do, and the need or pressure to change. Enabling in this sense is a major environmental cause of addiction.

A common example of enabling can be observed in the relationship between the alcoholic/addict and a codependent spouse/parent/step parent. The spouse/parent/step parent who attempts to shield the addict from the negative consequences of their behavior by calling in sick to work for them, making excuses that prevent others from holding them accountable, and generally cleaning up the mess that occurs in the wake of their impaired judgment.  In reality, what the spouse/parent/step parent is doing may be hurting, not helping. Enabling can tend to prevent psychological growth in the person being enabled, and can contribute to negative symptoms in the enabler.

I have been guilty of enabling, I hate to admit it.  It is embarrassing, almost shameful toenabling me to make the confession.  It has been a long journey that brought me to the place of understanding that I had been an enabler.  There are many reasons, I believe, as to why I fell into this behavior, but still, cut and dried, it was enabling and very unhealthy behavior on my part.

As I write about this I will speak about some of the things that I have done to enable.

The greatest gift that was given to me by some who I was the guiltiest of enabling, was an excruciating 2+ years break in relationship with them that was initiated by them.  That period of time was in many ways the most difficult period of my life and in many other ways was the most enlightening period of my life.

Now that the break has ended, I have been and will continue to be very careful in the relationships because I do not ever want to play the enabling role that I did in them, again.

So, here are a few questions that may help you figure out if you are enabling someone:

1) Do you avoid potential problems by trying to keep the peace? Do you do whatever you can to avoid conflict because doing so will solve problems?

2) Are you in denial about your loved one being addicted? Do you think his or her drug or alcohol use is just a phase and isn’t anything to be concerned about?

3) Do you have a hard time expressing your feelings? Do you keep all your emotions inside?

4) Do you minimize the situation? Do you think the problem will get better later?

5) Do you lecture, blame or criticize the chemically dependent person?

6) Do you take over the responsibilities of the addicted person? Do you cover for and pick up his or her slack to minimize the negative consequences? Do you repeatedly come to the rescue — bailing him or her out of jail, out of financial problems or other tight spots?

7) Do you try to protect your addicted loved one from pain?

8) Do you treat him or her like a child? Do you enjoy taking care of your loved one and feel superior when you do? Do you still financially support him or her, even though he or she is an adult?

9) Do you try to control the dependent person?

10) Are you good at just enduring? Do you often think, this too shall pass?

11) Do you believe in waiting? That God will take care of this?

enabling312) Do you give him or her one more chance, then another and yet another?

13) Do you join him or her in the dangerous behavior, even when you know he or she has a problem?

(These questions were taken from dr.phil.com.)

If you answered yes to even one of these questions, you may have a problem with enabling!  There is help for you, the first step to understanding your part in enabling is admitting that you are enabling to yourself within your own heart!

Love and blessings to you!

Godspeed,

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Do you remember the first Thursday of April, 2013?

2914Today is Thursday, April 03, 2014. Do you remember what you were doing exactly one year ago at this time? Do you remember what you were doing 27 years ago on this day? I do!

One year ago, it was a sunny, cold day in Colorado Springs and Mr. Joe and I stepped out of our little world and into a brand new huge world of healing and freedom that we had never known existed!   We had taken about a week to drive from what already was the beginning of a hot and humid summer in Texas and by faith, we had made a commitment to one of the world’s largest “mission agencies”, sight unseen, to attend a 5 month training school in order to be a part of their worldwide operation.

The two years before that we had been through some of the roughest waters of life that we had ever experienced. God had been in the process of healing us from childhood wounds that were still gaping open after both of us living 50+ years of life and 20+ years as Christ followers.

Yes, I remember this day way well, 1 year ago. The first Thursday in April and I was scared to death. Mr. Joe was also scared, although he was acting courageous for my sake. We walked in the door and saw smiling faces and we were thinking that at any moment we would be rejected. That we would be told we did not have what it took to “Know God and Make Him Known” in the world and then discreetly escorted out of the back door.

Family members, whom we loved dearly had estranged themselves from us and it had been that way for a few years. There had been many lies told, many jokes made at our expense, many attacks on our character, some people who did not have any idea as to what was really going on had taken sides. Even though we knew that it was a test that God had not orchestrated but allowed, it had broken us. Our hearts had been ripped open in those places of rejection that had never truly healed.

I had based my whole life and identity on the children whom I had brought into this world and I no longer knew who I was or if I had the strength to seek God for what His purpose was for me for the rest of my life. Honestly, being a mom was the only thing that I had ever known and I was to afraid too love, trust or commit to anyone or anything again.

If the estrangement had not happened, if the lies had not been told, if the rejection had not taken place, I wonder and secretly know in my heart that I would not have made the radical decisions that I made and acted upon 1 year ago. God showed Mr. Joe and I how strong we really were and more than that He showed us who we would and could be with His assistance.

After the five months, our lives and hearts were changed radically. We had spent 3 intense months, searching our hearts and souls. Laying it all down for God. And then we had gone to Central Asia and fallen in love with the people in that culture. Our lives were forever changed. We went back to Texas and packed up and/or sold our belongings. I chronicled the journey in this blog, through photos and in journals.   We made a radical change by committing to partner with this Mission Agency and let God have His way with the rest of our lives. After the commitment was made, reconciliation start slowly taking place with the family that had elected to divide themselves from us.

Now we are here (in Colorado Springs) and God is having His way with us.

It always helps me to look back and remember where I come from and right now I am reflecting on where I came from 56 years ago, 37 years ago, 27 years ago, 17 years ago, 1 year ago…

I ran across this poem on Pinterest and everytime a read it, it speaks to my heart. The author is “e.h.” I have no idea who this is although I have tried to research. If you know for sure who it is, please let me know!

If I showed you my teardrops,

Would you collect them like rain,

Store them in jars,

That are labelled with “Pain”,

Would you follow their tracks,

From my eyes down my cheeks,

As they write all the stories,

I’m too scared to speak,

Would you stop them with kisses,

Bring their flow to a halt,

As you teach me that pain,

Isn’t always my fault.

Would you hold my face gently,

As you dry both my eyes,

And whisper the words,

“You’re too precious to cry”,

If I showed you my teardrops,

Would you show me your own,

And learn though we’re lonely,

We’re never alone.

~e.h.

The greatest lesson that I have learned during these last 3 years is that I am never alone, He is always with me, He has always been with me! I have no idea what the purpose of this poem was but it speaks to me loudly and clearly of who God has been and still is to me.

Remember, you are never alone!

Now… 27 years ago today, I gave birth to my youngest son in the afternoon. It was a Fridayteddy bear afternoon. My 10 lb. 5 oz. baby boy came into this world and changed my world forever. Ups and downs, backs and forths and everything in between, I wouldn’t trade him for anything and he still rocks my world. He was a big ole teddy bear and still is! His favorite stuffed animal was a big ole teddy bear, too, lovingly named by him, Mr. Bear. Love you G.K.M.!!!! No matter where life takes us or how far apart we may be I will ALWAYS believe in you!  I could not have written this 1 year ago but I can write it now with no fear of someone getting insulted or angry at me.  I don’t care anymore, I have the right, you are my son and there is no one else on this earth who can say that!

Love and blessings to you!

Godspeed,

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Letting go and dancing a swirly twirly God dance with Him

swirly twirly3Have you ever loved something or someone so much that you could not bring yourself to let go of it or them?

How about yourself? Have you ever found that you loved yourself and the power that you have over your own outcome so much that you could not let go of that need for control?

Letting go is hard, there is no doubt about it. Especially if you are like me and at a very early age, your trust was broken by people who were given the power to care for you properly and they did not care for you properly.

In cases like this, it is very hard to give complete control over to a God who we see as having had the power to make sure that we were cared for properly and in our eyes chose to allow bad things to happen to us.

Does this make sense?

I can only speak from my personal experience, so here goes! Because of my childhood there was a time when I could trust no one. Sometimes it is hard to remember that time, now, because God has done a miraculous work in me and has slowly brought me around to being able to trust Him. It has taken a long time. I still don’t trust people fully, not even my own husband, but I can look at things that happen and even when I can’t put all of my trust in other people, I can look to God and say, “I do trust you and whatever happens or does not happen I trust that you have and had a perfect plan for this situation from the very beginning!”

“And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.”  Romans 8:28

I also don’t understand, completely, the laws that govern heaven and how they affect earth, meaning that when bad things happened to me or to those whom I love, or anyone for that matter… even if God did not want them to happen and was crying out to the instigators to “Stop!” why some of them still happened.

As a very dear person who counseled with me a few years ago pointed out. We don’t know what atrocities that God has protected us from, either.

The bad things that have happened are things that I have to trust God about and lean on His promises for strength. One verse that I cling to is Romans 8:28. The faith that He has built in me and the knowing that His Word is true is what gets me through the moments of doubt.

I still have situations that I am desperate for God to move in, most of them are involving family members and, yes, I would love to jump in there and try to fix it all myself in my imperfect humanness. If God is telling me to allow Him to fix these things and He is not directing me to jump in and fix them on my own, well, I have to trust that He does know best. Sometimes I think that my feeble efforts would just be a temporary bandaid on what God wants to fix perfectly. I don’t see the full picture…

In thinking about one particular situation in my family that I have struggled with for the last few years, God has been showing me some things about letting go and occasionally when it comes to mind very strongly and tries to pull me down into that pit of worry and wanting to get in the middle of it by trying to do my own fixing, He gets my attention once again.

For me, it is all about letting go and giving Him the power to do the complete, perfect swirly twirly2work. If I try to get in the middle of it without His “permission” then my futile attempts at “fixing” can slow down what He is wanting to do.

I jotted down some thoughts a few days ago about letting go. First of all here is an excerpt from “Jesus Calling”, when I read it, I felt like it had been written with my needs and desires in mind on March 24…

“This is a time in your life when you must learn to let go: of loved ones, of possessions, of control. In order to let go of something that is precious to you, you need to rest in My Presence, where you are complete. Take time to bask in the Light of My Love. As you relax more and more, your grasping hand gradually opens up. Releasing your prized possession into My care.

You can feel secure, even in the midst of cataclysmic changes, through awareness of My continual Presence. The One who never leaves you is the same One who never changes: I am the same yesterday, today, and forever.   As you release more and more things into My care, remember that I never let go of your hand. Herein lies your security, which no one and no circumstance can take from you.”

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever.” Hebrews 13:8

“For I hold you by your right hand—
    I, the Lord your God.
And I say to you,
    ‘Don’t be afraid. I am here to help you.”  Isaiah 41:13

I meditated on this all day after I had read it and I knew that it was time to give it all over to Him, no matter how it hurt my heart to admit to myself that there is nothing that I can do ever to make this thing that I have been holding on to get fixed more perfectly than God can and will.

swirly twirlyI was praying and felt the urge to lift my closed hands up to God with the thought of the person who I have had such a hard time letting go of being in my closed hands…when I lifted my closed hands up, I turned them palm up with my eyes closed. I opened my hands and gave a little boost to the little person who was in them. In my mind’s eye, the person floated up to heaven where God was standing and waiting. As the person passed into heaven, she landed with a little bounce on her feet and lifted up her arms to God. God took her by the hands and started slowly dancing and twirling around and around with her. She was just as happy and focused on Him as she could be.

A peace came over me and I understood that isn’t this where I ultimately want this young one to be? With God and dancing His dance with Him? Waltzing and twirling and swirling just like a little girl does when she imagines that she is a princess ballerina in a swirly, twirly dress? Yes, it definitely is where I would rather that she be instead of with me in my bungling efforts trying to create an earthly counterfeit of what God wants to truly give.

And honestly, this is where I would rather be, too.  Dancing the God dance with my beloved.

I am His beloved and He is mine. He is my beloved and I am His.

I am my lover’s,
    and he claims me as his own.” Song of Solomon 7:10

This is a matter, once again, of me putting my faith in His promises that He alone can fulfill!

May you find that swirly, twirly dance in your own relationship with your Beloved!

Love and Blessings,

Godspeed,

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What I did (this time) when I felt like giving up….

3232I have been working through some things over the last few weeks.  Current things.

First of all, about 3 weeks ago I finally faced the fact that I was really “burnt out”.  I had been trying to do too much.  I had taken on more than what I could handle and was getting frustrated and exhausted.   I had gotten to that point in a very short amount of time.

Second thing is that I was so busy doing things and fulfilling responsibilities that I had taken on that I no longer had the time or energy to do the things that God had recently shown me were “life-giving” to my soul.

Life-giving activities-(my definition)-the things, or activities that feed my spirit and soul, the things that I do that make me smile and relax, the things that give me peace.  The things that I do that I get lost in.  The things that I do where I can hear God’s voice, loud and clear!  The two things that are the most life-giving to me at this point in my life are blogging and creating tangible art (i.e.-painting).

So back to my story, I realized that I needed to make some changes.  The only way that I knew to make changes were to start cutting non-life-giving activities out of my life.

Honestly, I was ready to throw in the towel…because of my dilemma, I was ready to break323 a 2 year commitment that I had made and signed.  Why?  Because it had been my mode operandi all of my life…when things got too hard to handle, I turned in the opposite direction and walked away, making sure to burn my bridge behind me so that I would never have to face the people I had let down again, while justifying my actions to myself.

Thank God, that His faithfulness has brought me so far, He has brought me over a hurdle in the great race of life.  Instead of renting a U-haul and pulling it up to my back door in the middle of the night, loading up and disappearing forever, I started talking.  I started telling some people who I trusted what I was experiencing and what I thought that the solution should be.  They disagreed with me and helped me come up with a better solution.

Now, I am happier and my life is easier.  Instead of doing the work of 1 ½ people every week, not having a weekend and feeling unappreciated and a little taken advantage of, I am feeling appreciated and rested by the end of every weekend as well as recharged and ready to take on whatever is in front of me.  I am now able to do the work of 1 person in 1 week and take my weekends so that I can be at my very best when the new week begins…

I have gotten to a place where I see life as just being too short to waste whatever amounts of precious time the God has given me on this earth doing certain things that are sucking the life out of me.

Stress is not something that I handle very well, at all!  And I don’t think I would have recognized that I needed to make some changes if I had not been through the incredible growth that I have experienced over the last few years!

3233My life and the maintaining of the giftings that God has given to me are too important to Him and me for me to neglect anymore.  I went for many years, pushing them down, saying that I would do them someday and that “someday” never seemed to get here.

What is the moral of this story?  Don’t make tough decisions on your own!  Talk to people you trust and who are likeminded, don’t internalize, work through it, sometimes the solutions are very obvious.  Don’t allow the “sin” of pride to be your ally.  Be transparent, admit your weaknesses and frustrations.  If you’re ready to make a pretty radical decision that could rock someone else’s world anyway, open up, talk about it before you do!

Love and blessings to you!

Godspeed,

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